


In the Fridge

by octopus_fool



Series: Yuletide Cheer [12]
Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Bechdel Test Fail, Crack, Gen, Mommy Issues, Past Character Death, Questionable food choices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-07 18:38:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16859257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octopus_fool/pseuds/octopus_fool
Summary: Just your everyday teatime play in the Halls of Mandos gone wrong.Does NOT pass the Bechdel test, which is kind of the point here. ;)





	In the Fridge

**Author's Note:**

> Written for day 6 of [Arda Advent](http://ardaprompts.tumblr.com/post/180626386876/join-me-in-creating-wintery-fanworks-about), the prompt was "nativity play".
> 
> I have no explanation for why some of these characters are in the Halls of Mandos at this point in time, or at all. Maybe it was open house?

“Um, sorry, for the interruption,” Maeglin said, “but isn’t there something missing here?”

“What do you mean?” Fëanor said from the stage, less than happy at the interruption.

“Well, you said the play was about the birth of this king… We’ve seen the king’s father, we’ve seen shepherds, the newborn and now these wandering kings. But where is this new king’s mother? Shouldn’t she show up sooner or later? After all, there wouldn’t be a baby without a mother.”

“Why not?” Legolas chimed in. “I’ve been told that’s entirely normal. I certainly don’t have a mother.”

“I didn’t really notice anything missing either,” Celebrimbor said, “but now that you mention it, I have heard people mention that a mother is generally required for the birth of a child.”

“How that?” Legolas asked. “This is new to me. Sure, I’ve heard of some people having mothers, but you have a mother as little as I do.”

“A birth without a mother is not physically possible,” Elrond pointed out. “Perhaps your father just didn’t tell you about her.”

“He said I don’t have one, and neither does he. Why should he lie to me? And I’ve heard of so many other people who don’t have mothers.”

“I think this king is lucky,” Ereinion said in an attempt to break up the argument, “at least he knows for certain who his father is.”

“Look, I didn’t want to cause a discussion about this,” Fëanor snapped. “I asked Nerdanel to play the mother, but when she looked at the script, she said it didn’t pass the Bechdel test, whatever that is supposed to be. She said she had better things to do anyway, something about a crafting meeting with some of her friends. None of the other nissi wanted to be in it either. I even asked Galadriel.” He rubbed his cheek, where a red, hand-shaped mark still showed. “I figured it wouldn’t be an issue to do it without a mother. Nissi always find reasons not to be around anyway.” His face darkened.

“They do have a habit of disappearing,” Túrin said darkly. 

“I hate to agree with him, but he does have a point,” Éomer said. “If they don’t disappear, they get sick and die early. Perhaps this king’s mother died soon after birth.”

“Do you _really_ think it was a good idea to have a play with this topic?” Nienna whispered into Mandos’s ear at the back of the group. 

Mandos shrugged. “It was bound to come up sooner or later anyway.”

“It makes sense that she died soon after birth,” Faramir said. “Perhaps some of the scenes in the play just took place a while later. I’m just surprised the father is actually taking care of this child.”

“Or maybe she ran into a band of orcs soon afterwards,” Elladan said and Elrohir nodded.

“Or she drowned,” Frodo suggested.

“Maybe she turned into a bird and flew away,” Elros said.

“Birdses, my precious?” Sméagol asked, shaking his head. “She would not turn into a tasty, crunchy bird. That makes no sense, my precious. Maybe she fell into the fridge.”

“What is a fridge?” Frodo asked.

“The cold pit to store food in behind the smial, my precious. ‘Frozen in deep-ground eis’, short ‘fridge’.”

“Ice is not spelled that way,” Fëanor pointed out.

“It was in my language,” Sméagol said. “I think she fell into the fridge, just like my grandfather did. Very tasty, crunchy fingers he had, precious.”

“You _ate_ your grandfather?!” Fëanor was torn between disgust and fascination. “And they say _my_ crimes were heinous!” 

“Can we maybe not talk about culinary choices?” Frodo asked, rubbing his hand. “I think we all agree that this king’s mother met an untimely death?” 

“I still think he doesn’t have a mother at all,” Legolas said sulkily.

“Or she killed herself because her husband turned out to be her brother,” Túrin suggested. 

“No, she died, probably dwindling away,” Boromir said. 

“Up, up, and away,” Elros muttered darkly.

Gimli sighed and got up to leave. “And they say dwarves don't have enough women.”

**Author's Note:**

> There are still Arda Advent prompts for which I don't have ideas yet, so if there are any slash or femslash pairings (no incest though, sorry!) or Gen combinations you'd like to see, let me know (either in a comment or a tumblr ask, I'm ridiculoussquid) and I'll try to come up with something (Bagginshield and Thorin/Dwalin are planned anyway, so no need to request those)! If you've looked at my stories, you'll know that I mostly write for the Hobbit fandom, but I'm trying to do more LotR and Silmarillion stories too, so I'll also take suggestions for those (just no guarantees).


End file.
